In my last post, I offered a menu of different interventions that could help to get any relationship back on track. At the top of the list was “Practice Serenity”. What does that mean, and how is it done?
Essentially, serenity is a state of mind in which we feel ok. That is, we feel ok about ourselves, about other people, and about our world. We don’t deny the defects and limitations that we find. But we are able to get enough distance from them that we don’t feel embroiled in them.
We’ve all experienced serenity at one time or another in our lives. Usually the circumstances that enable it are special, and the experience of serenity is evanescent. While there’s no sure fire way of creating that state of consciousness, we can adopt habits and practices that can help us to be more and more open and receptive to serenity over time. Let me offer two.
The Serenity Prayer
Attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, the prayer goes like this:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Saying this prayer steers the mind towards serenity as a state of consciousness. It formulates serenity as acceptance of the things we cannot change. Believing that we can change other people is one of the main things that creates conflict in relationships. That belief creates the condition for wanting to control others. People value their autonomy and generally resist even the subtlest hints of control. Often this creates a vicious cycle of escalating attempts to control the other person on one side, and escalating attempts to resist that control on the other. The Serenity Prayer has the impact of helping us to let go of our desire to control others and firmly planting ourselves back onto our own square, where our own actions can create benefits for ourselves and our world.
2. The Backpack Meditation
In this meditation, you close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful place. You then visualize all the things that are bothering you as items in a backpack you are carrying. You picture yourself removing the backpack and taking out all of the items. When you are done taking out all of the items, you should feel disburdened of all the things that disturb your serenity, and you should have an experience of being okay. You can find a 10 minute version of this meditation here.
This meditation is effective because it gives us some distance and neutrality towards the things that are bothering us. Where before we felt enmeshed and embroiled in those things, we now see ourselves as distinct from them. We become the person who has some agency to deal with the things that a minute ago were a plague upon us.
Whichever serenity practice you choose, it goes without saying that you’ll benefit more the more you practice. Aside from the benefits you receive in the moments while you are doing these practices, you will also benefit throughout your day. When you are able to remind yourself of what a serene state of consciousness feels like, throughout the day you will be able to use your memories of that state to guide you. You will become more aware of what thoughts and actions lead to serenity, and what thoughts and actions lead away from it.
Human nature being what it is, all of us find ourselves in conflict with other people on a daily basis. Luckily we have practices we can perform which will help us, over and over again, to free ourselves from these conflicts. As the Dalai Lama says:
“I do not expect deeper understanding or experience to come within a short period of time. Ten, twenty, thirty, or more years of practice are necessary, but change will definitely occur when we make consistent effort.”