We’re often told that if we’re not getting the results we want, it’s because we haven’t tried hard enough. We are constantly exhorting ourselves to give it 100% or even 110%. We imagine that success will come if we only wake up early enough, and exert ourselves until we sweat blood … Fortunately there is an alternative to this unsustainable frame of mind.
Just a little over two months ago, my marriage of 13 years came to a sudden and unexpected end. Before I knew it I was packing my bag and driving to my brother’s place, where I would crash on his couch. In our personal and professional lives, we often have to deal with changes that we did not want and could not have predicted. Here are the core strategies that are helping me get through it. I share them with the hope that they’ll be helpful to you in your own transitions.
From the moment I knew my marriage was going through a crisis, I knew that I was in a sink or swim situation, and that swimming would mean prioritizing self-care. In our day-to-day lives, self care can seem like something we can put on the back burner. We have promises to keep and other roles to fulfill and we believe (sometimes rightly, sometimes wrongly), that something else takes precedence over making it to that yoga class. But during times of momentous change, we cannot afford that. My self-care practices include eating well, getting exercise, being in nature, float therapy, and Thai Yoga massage. Create your own menu of self-care activities and treat them like the emergency that they are.
During tumultuous change, we are often in uncharted territory, trying to get our bearings in a new environment that is very disorienting. We are going to make mistakes. Our patterned and unhelpful responses to stress are sometimes going to get the better of us. If we turn around and judge ourselves, we are only adding insult to injury. Ironically, our judgements often reinforce some of our bad habits, because we need relief then not only from the stressful change we are going through, but from the internal atmosphere of self-criticism. That can create a vicious cycle. Creating a judgment free zone where I just refuse to beat myself up for anything has really helped me. Though I adopted this strategy as a response to a crisis, I’m telling you now, I’m never leaving the Judgment Free Zone again. It’s too nice here to leave!
“Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer.”
-E.M. Forester
When tragedy strikes, it’s natural that in the immediate aftermath, it seems like “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.” It seems unique, special to us, and especially bad. That happened to me anyway. Yet as I told people my story, I found that many other people in my life have suffered similarly in their own divorces and other endings in their lives. It turns out that by getting a divorce I’m joining a club that in our country eventually includes 1 in 4 adults, and that claims close to half of marriages. The people in that club have a lot of wisdom and counsel to offer. But more than that, there is a look in their eyes that says “I’ve been there. That creates a special sense of solace. If we’re able to trade the feeling of specialness and self-absorption for the fellowship that comes from connecting with others with similar struggles, we’ll find we benefit from the exchange.
Just as leaders need to engage body, heart, and mind when they are trying to intentionally create change, so we need to engage our bodies, hearts, and minds in responding to unwanted change. Keeping the heart open, amidst all of the fear, anger, and sorrow that we feel, helps our entire system to adjust to the new reality. In my case, this has meant creating a Spotify playlist of sad love songs, and I have also recruited my friends to add songs to it. When they mistakenly add songs that they think will cheer me up, I remove those songs. That’s not what this playlist is for. This playlist is for helping me to stay connected to the natural, organic feelings of grief that are my body’s way of letting go, so that over time I will be open to the new possibilities of the world I have been thrust into. You’ll have your own way of doing it, but find out how you can have, as the kids call it, “all the feels.”
In the broadest sense, trauma is any experience that is “too much, too fast”. Unwanted changes are almost all in that category. Partly that’s just the nature of things, but it’s also because people in our culture just don’t have the skills needed to initiate change for other people in a way that doesn’t traumatize them. Honestly, we are just not that good at this. As we learn to cope effectively with the traumatic changes in our lives, we make space for what psychologists call the post-traumatic growth that allows us to make even the most unwelcome change into opportunities for transformation and personal development. The strategies I’ve offered are my ways of coping with unwelcome change. What are yours?
We’ve arrived at the final and most drastic Relationship Course Correction: Ending the Relationship. We’ll first discuss how to know when it’s time to end a relationship, and then some of the things to consider about how to bring them to a close.
… while you can’t constrain the words and actions of others, you can give them information that allows them to make an informed choice, based on what you will do in response. That is why I call it “Describing a Fork in the Road.” You are giving them information about where their current behavior is heading, and making them aware that a different choice will lead to a different outcome.
Constructive feedback is the 5th of 7 in the Relationship Course Correction Menu. As such, it is one of the more difficult interventions to execute, requiring a strong and resilient mindset, know how, and the cooperation of the other partner for success. I would recommend practicing the earlier techniques in the menu before you offer constructive feedback. When you are in a serene state of mind, have taken care to study the relationship, have demonstrated your ability to really listen to them, and to give them praise where it is merited, you will likely have strengthened the relationship, so that it can withstand the inevitable strain that comes with giving constructive feedback.
Next in our series of essays on the Relationship Course Correction Menu is making a request. On a daily basis, all around the world, people are making millions if not billions of requests a day, and they are being fulfilled. Some of these are explicit requests like “Could you make some copies of this for me?” or “Could I have a hug?”. Some of them are more implicit, like when someone tells you that the pants they are wearing are new, but what they’re really saying is “Could you please compliment me on them?” It is wise to spend some time contemplating all of those normal natural requests that are fulfilled without much ado.
Next on our Relationship Course Correction Menu is positive feedback. Congratulations on making it this far. We are finally at the point where we’re discussing active measures you can take to shape the behavior of another person.
Positive feedback is one of the easiest, most impactful, and yet least utilized methods for getting more of what we want and need from our personal and professional relationships. Let’s look at some best practices for using this technique, and then talk a bit about some of the cultural currents that make positive feedback somewhat of a taboo in our culture.
Writers at all times have always had to brush aside concerns that they have nothing new to say about a particular topic. Those insecurities are all the more pressing now that artificial intelligence is capable of dashing out coherent essays on any topic in a flash. So if you’d like to see what my competition is up to, check out this AI generated essay on the prompt ““Write a short essay about the importance of effective listening and how to do it.” The recommended strategies are all very sensible and worth practicing.
In this space, however, I’d like to explore something less technical and more psychological – the functions of listening. I am hopeful that by paying attention to these functions, you’ll be able to develop your own particular style of listening, because you’ll have a better sense of what it is you are trying to do for someone when you listen to them.
Writers at all times have always had to brush aside concerns that they have nothing new to say about a particular topic. Those insecurities are all the more pressing now that artificial intelligence is capable of dashing out coherent essays on any topic in a flash. So if you’d like to see what my competition is up to, check out this AI generated essay on the prompt ““Write a short essay about the importance of effective listening and how to do it.” The recommended strategies are all very sensible and worth practicing.
In this space, however, I’d like to explore something less technical and more psychological – the functions of listening. I am hopeful that by paying attention to these functions, you’ll be able to develop your own particular style of listening, because you’ll have a better sense of what it is you are trying to do for someone when you listen to them.
So how do you stop ruminating and think about a relationship in a way that will be genuinely productive? I recommend either writing in your journal about it or talking to a trusted confidant about it.
In my last post, I offered a menu of different interventions that could help to get any relationship back on track. At the top of the list was “Practice Serenity”. What does that mean, and how is it done?
Essentially, serenity is a state of mind in which we feel ok. That is, we feel ok about ourselves, about other people, and about our world. We don’t deny the defects and limitations that we find. But we are able to get enough distance from them that we don’t feel embroiled in them.
Any relationship, personal or professional, can go off course. I can imagine you have been thinking: “Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a menu of different actions I can take to get a relationship back on course?” Well, you’re in luck! This menu of options starts with safer, more conservative options, leaving riskier and more drastic options for the end of the list.
Friday, June 10, from 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m., I’ll be hosting a Live Webinar called: ”Don’t Be Afraid: Learn How to Conquer Your Fear”. Below is the course description. Register here. I hope you can make it! If you’d like me to teach a similar session for your team, schedule a free consultation.
Picturing yourself in a serene natural setting reduces fear by sending a message of safety to your nervous system.
Fear is a natural reaction Nature has given us to help us deal with stressful life and death situations. In today’s world, though, fear is often an overreaction that paralyzes us, and keeps us stuck.
Has anxiety about public speaking kept your ideas from having the impact they deserve? Do you avoid difficult conversations because you’re afraid you’ll permanently damage an important workplace relationship? Have you ever put off starting an important project because you’re worried it won’t be perfect? If so, it’s time to do something about your fear. This course will show you practical techniques for reducing fear, and rediscovering a sense of power, confidence, and agency, so that you can make a bigger and more positive impact in your work.
A version of this article was initially published in NPC Connections, the Nonprofit Center of the Berkshires Quarterly Online Magazine.
A large non-profit, which shall remain nameless, decided that they had put enough COVID precautions in place, and it was time for employees to return to their offices. Wanting to give employees the ability to make choices for their personal safety, they allowed employees to opt to do their meetings by Zoom. As a result, a peculiar situation developed. Employees were now forced to commute into their offices, but most went into their offices and closed their doors, having only minimal in person interactions with their colleagues. The policy had created the worst of both worlds. They had taken away the telecommuting option which had become an important benefit for staff, but reaped none of the benefits of in person interaction. You can imagine the griping. Employee engagement suffered, and along with it, the organization’s reputation as an employer.
Employers cannot afford to needlessly compromise employee engagement in today’s labor market, in which employees have many options and employers are competing fiercely for talent. On the contrary, it’s imperative that employers do as much as they can to sweeten the deal and make it attractive for employees to stay and bring their best effort to their jobs.
Every day that your employees show up for work, they are voting with their feet. They are making a statement that the deal they have with you is the best one that they can find. They are saying that in some way their jobs represent a path to progress towards their larger life goals, for their careers, for their financial plans, for the part that work plays in the rest of their lives. In other words, they have a sense, usually unspoken and not entirely conscious, of the deal they are getting with you as an employer, the balance of what they give to you and what you give to them. I call this deal the “employment value proposition.”
The employee value proposition has many dimensions, but at bottom it is an exchange of value similar to the purchases we make every day.
To retain your best talent, you need to understand what the employment value proposition of your staff is. The more you value a particular employee, the more you need to know about what they are getting out of their jobs. You also need to understand what factors may be making them sour on their employee experience. Only then will you be able to make informed choices that can help you both to retain your best people and increase their engagement.
There are a number of ways to find out what the employment value proposition is in the minds of your staff:
Surveys. These are usually administered in large organizations. Surveys can provide valuable information about employee attitudes towards their total compensation, the workplace culture, opportunities for career development, and many other factors. If you choose to administer a survey, there are two things to keep in mind. First, surveying your employees is an implicit promise to them that you will make changes on the basis of what you learn. If you’re not prepared to take on large scale projects to change your organization, it’s better not to survey in the first place. Second, survey data will create more questions than answers. You’re going to have to do interviews with focus groups to find our more about what the survey data is really telling you. At best, survey data will tell you which topics you should focus on in your focus groups.
Focus groups. A structured interview with a representative group or groups across your organization can help to identify what is working well for your employees and what represent opportunities for improvement. It’s important that employees trust that you genuinely care about what they say, and that there won’t be retaliation against them for providing constructive feedback. It can be helpful to bring in an outside consultant to conduct these focus groups, to provide a guarantee of confidentiality.
Stay Interviews. Most people are familiar with exit interviews, which are used to understand the reasons why people are leaving and to get a better understanding of the dynamics in their immediate team. But why wait until employees are leaving to do this important discovery work? The more you value a particular employee, the more important it is for you to understand whether they are thinking of leaving, and why. Just as important is finding out what is fueling an employee’s positive experience of working for you, so that you can continue to sculpt their experience in a way that makes them get even more from their experience. More information about how to conduct stay interviews, along with the most important questions to ask, can be found here.
As a non-profit organization, you may not be able to give people the biggest raises, or provide people with glamorous corner offices. Yet you can do something that many for profit organizations neglect to do: you can show your employees that you care. By taking a genuine interest in their employee value proposition, and by striving to enhance it with the means at your disposal, you can do much to win the hearts and minds of the people that are the lifeblood of your organization.
If you’d like to learn more about how to find out more about your top talent’s employee value proposition, and you’re not sure where to start, schedule a free consultation with me today!
Coaches often say that psychotherapy looks back at the past while coaching stays in the present and looks forward. Wrong on both counts.
Sure, some forms of psychotherapy involve a lot of storytelling and recognizing patterns from the past. Cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, is very present and future focused, and discounts insight into the past in favor of experimenting with new behaviors now and in the futre. In fact, I would almost say that coaching as a discipline has its intellectual roots in this kind of pychotherapy! In addition, there are forms of group psychotherapy that are completely grounded in the here and now and allow no storytelling about anything going on outside the group.
Conversely, it’s simply a fact that very often coaching clients reflect on past patterns and find the roots for the patterns that hold them back professionally in stories from their childhood. One of my coaching clients was struggling with assertive communication with men on her team. Sharing her experience of being bullied as a child was essential for the coaching process; there was just no way to move forward without touching on those past events. I’m sure many other coaches have the similar stories to tell. We fail coaches-in-training if we teach them to ignore the past.
Similarly, in organizations, unfinished business from the past often exerts an influence on the dynamics of the team. One client of min lost a promotion to a peer who then becomes her supervisor. She ruminated on it for decades, and it had a negative influence on her ability to do her best work. Until this was named and claimed, she was not able to move on. We are storytelling creatures, and the stories we tell about our past have a direct impact on our mindset and attitude today.
In the words of Fred Rogers:
Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.
In psychotherapy and in coaching, I practice deep listening with my clients, and I track them where they need to go, whether into the present, the past, or the future.
Just as psychotherapists and coaches don’t always see eye to eye, and have some misunderstandings about one another’s disciplines, the same is true for group psychotherapy and team coaching. As a group psychotherapist and a team coach, I have respect for both disciplines. Here’s my understanding of the similarities and differences between the two approaches:
Differences
Group Psychotherapy is a clinical treatment for mental health disorders, although it may be of use to people who are just wanting to invest in their personal development. Team Coaching works best with people that are already high functioning.
Group Psychotherapy is focused on helping each member feel better and reach their individual goals. Team Coaching helps the team as a whole work together better to achieve the organization’s goals.
Group Psychotherapy typically uses the same method or procedure at each session. Team Coaching can use a variety of methods as the work progresses to better help the group.
Both Group Psychotherapy and Team Coaching Require:
A willingness to change
Honesty and transparency, and the co-creation of a trustworthy environment.
A willingness to address difficult issues.
A willingness to become more aware of one’s self and treat others with respect.
Well, you’ve made it to a place in your career where you’re counted on, not just for your own work, but for the results you get through others.
How will you be going about that? You won’t be programming your people like robots or operating them like machines. Of course, you could pretend that you actually control your people. You can bark orders at them as if they were Siri, and had only to hear to obey. But I suspect if you’re tuning into this station, you already know that strategy is only going to backfire.
No, as a team leader, your main way of getting results from people is by the way that you communicate with them. You’ll be communicating with them through words, either directly spoken or written to them via emails. And you’ll be communicating to them nonverbally, through your facial expressions and body language, in person or on video conference.
Congratulations, you’re a psychologist! You are now in the business of influencing people, and to do that effectively, you’re going to need to know something about what makes people tick: what motivates them, what distresses them, what they hope for, and what they fear. Indeed, you’ll ultimately be on a journey to discover what matters most to them, what gives work its deepest meaning, so that the messages you choose can help to bring out the very best in your people. It’s a lifelong challenge. It can be maddening, and it can be richly rewarding.
In the next few posts, we’ll be examining some of the most important dimensions that leaders must consider in choosing their words and actions in order to get the work done, done well, and done in a sustainable way. But for now, let this sink in: if you are a team leader, the core of your work is the influence you have on others, and that makes you a psychologist.
Let’s discuss!
How does thinking about yourself as a psychologist change the way you think about your role as a team leader?
We’re in the process of adapting to a new reality. Organizational leaders have important roles in this transition. Unfortunately, many leaders will adopt the wrong paradigm for understanding this role. They may feel they need to make the right assessment of the situation and then to make the right decision. But there is no right assessment, and there is no right decision. Instead, it’s a good time for leaders to consider Heifetz’ paradigm of adaptive leadership, as spelled out in his book Leadership Without Easy Answers.
In William and Susan Bridges’ transition model, we find ourselves in what they call The Neutral Zone. The trappings and confinements of COVID are (largely) gone, but that doesn’t mean that we really know what the new normal looks like. A space has opened up for us to again redefine our work, our roles, and our relationships, but we haven’t grown into it yet. It’s a disorienting time, and anxiety provoking; one teacher described it to me as “turbulence at the boundary of the unknown”. We meet a new person; will we shake their hand, or will some new greeting of respect and friendship take its place?
Our culture doesn’t prepare us well for The Neutral Zone. We tend to value the determined over the tentative, decisions over ambiguity, and making things happen over letting things unfold. But in the neutral zone, we can serve ourselves and our people best by reversing these priorities, and asking ourselves these questions from the Tao Te Ching:
“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?”
