Next on our Relationship Course Correction Menu is positive feedback. Congratulations on making it this far. We are finally at the point where we’re discussing active measures you can take to shape the behavior of another person.
Positive feedback is one of the easiest, most impactful, and yet least utilized methods for getting more of what we want and need from our personal and professional relationships. Let’s look at some best practices for using this technique, and then talk a bit about some of the cultural currents that make positive feedback somewhat of a taboo in our culture.
Probably the sun is immune to positive feedback. But who knows? Could be worth a shot.
The purpose of positive feedback is to increase the frequency of desirable behaviors. It is effective because as social beings, our brains respond to positive messages given to us by others by giving us emotional pleasure. Keeping that in mind, here are the technical elements for making positive feedback more effective:
Give positive feedback as soon as possible after the desired behavior. This helps our brains make a connection between the behavior and the social reward of your appreciation.
Use the “Behavior plus Impact” formula. Describe the specific behavior that you saw and the positive impact that it had. Describe both the behavior and the impact in specific, vivid terms. This is helpful since our brains evolved to deal with a very concrete environment, and we respond much more strongly to these concrete pictures than we do to abstractions. So: “Thank you for doing the dishes without having to be asked last night. After a long day of work and then cooking dinner, I really needed some down time, and knowing you were taking care of that allowed me to spend some time reading a book.” Not: “You’ve been doing a good job lately.”
Positive feedback costs nothing, improves our own and the other person’s mood, and helps to bring out the best in others. So, why don’t we do it more? Unfortunately in our culture we have adopted certain limiting beliefs. For example, sometimes we believe that praise will go to the other person’s head and give them a big ego. Or we may believe that no one should expect praise for “just doing their job”, and that therefore appreciation should be saved for special occasions, like when someone is getting a Grammy award. These beliefs and attitudes are mistaken, I believe, and represent a legacy of emotional poverty and trauma that we are now ready to outgrow. In my house, my spouse and I are very lavish with our appreciation for one another for things great and small, and I can say with confidence that it has not resulted in either of us becoming spoiled or egotistical. Rather, it creates a mindset where we are both on the lookout to catch one another doing something right. As givers of feedback it makes us more oriented towards gratitude and noticing positivity. As receivers of positive feedback we thrive in an atmosphere where opportunities to earn praise abound.
Positive Feedback Q&A
To conclude, I will now answer a few questions about positive feedback that I have gotten over the years:
Q: How can I get the other person in my life to give me praise?
A: First off, by setting a good example by being generous with positive feedback you may also inspire them to reciprocate. But that doesn’t always work!
I’m going to be talking in more depth in future blog posts about ways you can influence another person’s behavior, so stay tuned. For now though, my advice is to simply ask for what you want. For example: “I notice that you are quick to criticize if I do anything wrong, but that you rarely show appreciation for things that I do well. I would appreciate it if you would give me more positive feedback for the many things that I contribute. I think that would make our relationship more positive, and lead to good things for both of us.” Then let go.
Q: How can I give someone positive feedback when in general I am angry at them?
A: This is challenging, no doubt about it. If your anger is so strong that you can’t bracket it temporarily, you may need to practice serenity, and then come back and try again. It might be helpful to remember that your positive feedback isn’t about the person themselves, but their behavior. They may be a real jerk, but on random occasions with no rhyme or reason, they may do something worthy of praise. You can practice using the “behavior plus impact” formula, even if you don’t have a lot of warm fuzzies towards the person. You may be surprised that as you are doing so, you start to warm up to the person a bit.
Q.: Isn’t using positive feedback in this way demeaning, as if you were training a human being like a dog?
A: First off, while dogs are also motivated by praise, they are far more motivated by bits of cheese. It is our human nature that makes the appreciation of another person so rewarding, so that people are willing to undertake great hardships in order to win the approval of their fellow man. So in this sense, it is different from training a dog because the rewards come from something that is very human. That makes the art of appreciation a very humane one.
On the other hand, denying our nature as social beings and insisting that people meet a high bar in the absence of encouragement is inhumane and leads to bad results. Acknowledging that we are creatures whose behavior can and should be shaped by positive feedback may be humbling, but it is not demeaning. Quite the contrary.
Q: How do I know that I am encouraging someone to do something good? How do I know that I am not using positive feedback to manipulate someone for my own selfish purposes?
A: It is important to consider carefully what behaviors you want to encourage with positive feedback. For instance, a boss should carefully describe to themselves first what behaviors represent success in a particular role, and then plan on providing positive feedback when he sees their employee doing them. Beyond that, though, I trust you. You are good people, and I am sure that you will use positive feedback to encourage the people in your lives to do good things.