Constructive feedback is the 5th of 7 interventions in the Relationship Course Correction Menu. As such, it is one of the more difficult interventions to execute, requiring a strong and resilient mindset, know-how, and the cooperation of the other partner for success. I would recommend practicing the earlier techniques in the menu before you offer constructive feedback. When you are in a serene state of mind, have taken care to study the relationship, have demonstrated your ability to really listen to them, and to give them praise where it is merited, you will likely have strengthened the relationship, so that it can withstand the inevitable strain that comes with giving constructive feedbackkno.
Though daunting, constructive feedback is a way of building your relationship with the other person.
The central challenge of offering constructive feedback is how to do it without triggering the other person’s threat response. Our brains are very attuned to rejection, lack of status, and are very sensitive to notice when we are being treated unfairly. When we offer constructive feedback, even if we don’t intend to, we may push the other person’s buttons. When this happens, the other person may lose their ability to hear what you are trying to say, much less to make a commitment to changing their behavior. Here are some things you can do to make constructive feedback constructive. Practiced well, the moment when constructive feedback is offered may even be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the other person, and open up new and better possibilities for the future.
Constructive feedback is made up of the following components, some of which may be familiar if you’ve been reading all of the essays in this series:
1. Feedback on the current state
The first thing you will want to do when offering constructive feedback is to describe their current behavior and its negative impact on you, the work you are trying to do, or on other important stakeholders or considerations. You will be using the “behavior + impact” formula, just as I recommend you use when giving positive feedback. Just as there, you will want to use vivid, concrete, behavioral language to draw this picture.
As an exercise to get you to think more behaviorally about the situation, imagine you were directing a film about the relationship. What scenes would you show to illustrate the other person’s negative behaviors and the cost of them? This is what you should be describing.
Use a neutral tone when you make this description. You’re trying to do this in a way that won’t make the information more triggering for the other person than it has to be. If you don’t think you’ll be able to use a “just the facts” tone in providing feedback, practice serenity until you’re calm enough to do so.
2. Shift the frame to the future
That was the hard part, both for you and the other person. You now want to paint a positive picture of the positive future you want to create with the other person. By making this shift, you are trying to get the other person focused on how they can create a relationship with you that will be more rewarding for them.
3. Make a Request
You now need to ask the other person what you want them to do instead of what they have been doing so far. The same principles we described in the essay on making a request apply: ask directly, ask for 100% of what you want, and frame your request in a way that fits in with their path to progress.
4. Describe the Hoped-For Benefits
Here you want to use the “behavior + impact” formula again, this time to describe the future you want to create. Once again you want your language to be vivid, specific, and behavioral. Use the director’s method: if you were going to show a future scene where the person changed and it resulted in benefits for everyone, what would be in the scene? At this stage, you can be more emotionally expressive, since you’re trying to evoke the positive emotions that will come from this future.
5. Follow up with positive feedback
Just as with requests, you want to carefully attend to the other person to see if their behavior changes in a positive direction. If they do, don’t miss the opportunity to give them positive feedback. This is true even if their new behavior isn’t an exact match for what you’re looking for. Gradually you can shape the behavior by offering positive feedback as they experiment with different elements of the new behavior.
If you’re still not seeing the behavior that you need, you may need to plan and execute a new course correction. This is an experimental, iterative process. Each intervention you plan and execute may accumulate a small advantage. Over time those small advantages accumulate into a very significant shift. Even if any particular intervention doesn’t bear fruit, you at least have more information to go on as you continue to study the relationship.
Conclusion
Giving constructive feedback is never easy, but by following these steps, you’ll make your job easier and more likely to succeed. It can be helpful to work with a coach to help you to prepare for a difficult conversation like this. In my coaching practice, I use role playing extensively so that my clients can try out different approaches and see how they work. Role playing helps you understand the other person’s point of view so that you can speak a language that they are more likely to understand. To get started, schedule a free consultation!