We’ve now come to the 6th of 7 items on the Relationship Course Correction Menu, “Describing a Fork in the Road.” A more colloquial term for this course correction may be “setting a boundary”, but I really don’t like that term. As a lifelong student of human relationships and how to strengthen them, I’ve become very aware of how defensive and shut down people get when they feel their sense of autonomy is intruded upon. That’s why over time I’ve become averse to phrases like “setting a boundary”. It implies that you are trying to confine the other person, and limit the scope of their agency. It’s not possible to do that. In the end, people are basically free to do and say what they choose, even if the choices they make are harmful for themselves and for us.
But while you can’t constrain the words and actions of others, you can give them information that allows them to make an informed choice, based on what you will do in response. That is why I call it “Describing a Fork in the Road.” You are giving the other person information about where their current behavior is heading, and making them aware that a different choice will lead to a different outcome.
This is an intervention to use when the other person really needs to know that their current pattern of behavior is leading to negative consequences. Often, it is something you resort to after you have tried other course corrections, but they didn’t have the desired result. At other times, it can be used when someone's behavior suddenly becomes so inappropriate that an immediate intervention is necessary.
. The formula for describing a fork in the road is simple:
First: Describe what you will do if the person’s behavior doesn’t change.
Then: Describe what you will do if the person’s behavior does change.
Here are some examples:
“If you continue to raise your voice and call me names, I am going to end this conversation by walking out of the room. On the other hand, if you are able to keep your voice at a moderate volume and use more neutral language, I’m happy to continue this conversation.”
“If your written work for this class does not improve, I will not be able to give you a passing grade. On the other hand, if you use the resources that are available and apply yourself, I believe you’ll be able to do quite well in this class.”
“If you continue to ignore the directions I give you, I will have to initiate the progressive discipline process, which could result in your losing your job. On the other hand, if you are able to follow my directions, we can stop having these unpleasant conversations and get on with our work.”
Naturally, no matter how neutrally and compassionately you share the information, the other person may experience this as a threat, even when you don’t intend it that way. After all, the difficult people in our lives are often the ones that are most easily triggered and defensive. Your chances of success with this strategy will depend on how strong your relationship is with this person and how much trust is there. By using the earlier techniques in the Course Correction Menu, you have the opportunity to strengthen the foundations of your relationship, so that they have a better chance of understanding what you are trying to say, and allow them to stay in a learning conversation with you. Even if the other person doesn’t change their behavior, however, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave them all the information they needed to make an informed choice.